Within These Walls
by Broppy's-Little-Girl
Summary: There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. After Phillip thought he lost Anne entirely, these stages follow. Set at the end of "Rewrite The Stars" and beginning of "Tightrope". Angst warning.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

* * *

_**Denial**_

It shouldn't have happened. This could have been real, he thought. She shouldn't have walked away. She couldn't have. Could she?

Of course she did. He just didn't want to believe it.

He was supposed to be with her at the theater. The night was suppose to be theirs without any judgement from others. Just for once. Yet, he somehow knew that something was going to get in the way. But, for the time being, Phillip decided to not be his practical self and be optimistic.

It seemed like for a moment it would happen. He was so eager to prove that he didn't care what anyone thought; so eager to see her eyes light up at the sight of the theater and everything that came with it. They could not even reach the top steps before running into his parents.

His father's harsh words seemed so far away now, and from what first angered him he felt nothing now. After what just happened, he didn't know what to think.

Phillip didn't know how long he had been standing there like a fool. All he knew was she left before he could get her back.

He eventually decided he would no longer wait for something that would never come so he moved his feet and found himself walking towards his boss's office. The door was cracked, and it appeared that Phineas was still there, filling out some last minute paperwork.

Phillip gripped the knob but hesitated. But it was too late to just leave for the night because 1) Phineas already saw him and 2) he had left his stuff in that office.

"You're back early," Phineas said quietly. "Did something happen with Anne?"

"I'll pay you back for those tickets," Phillip said, little to no emotion in his voice. He went from not knowing what to feel to feeling nothing at all.

"Phillip, what happened?" Phineas asked in a more serious voice, this time looking up from his paperwork.

"Nothing. Some things just aren't meant to be." Phillip plopped down on the seat across from his friend.

Phineas shuffled his papers. "Well, that's too bad…"

Phillip was admittedly stunned. P.T. was always an optimist, seeing the bright side of every situation. But that is when he remembered how divided his attention had been lately, and it suddenly clicked in his mind. Phineas was drifting from the circus, from his family, and even from him.

"Listen, Phillip, I believe I owe you an apology for earlier. I know that you think me going on tour with Jenny is a bad idea, but I'm doing it for all of us…"

Phillip stopped listening. He could no longer focus. Phinn's voice just drifted away until it was just muddled speech, as if he were in a different room.

"Do I have anything else to do?" Phillip interrupted his friend, who he realized was not finished apologizing but Phillip did not wish to be here any longer.

Then it was Phineas's time to be surprised. With slight hesitation and a look around the room, the older man shook his head. "Um, no, I don't believe so. I finished most of the paperwork when you were gone."

"Good," said Phillip quietly, getting up from where he had been sitting and packing his stuff up.

"Im almost done here," Phineas said quickly. "I can walk you home. We can stop for a drink, it's on me. It'll bring you ease."

Phillip gripped his hat. After what had happened, it was tempting. It'd also be the last time they could do it for a while. Just him and Phineas, like it used to be. Like it was for some time before a beautiful trapeze artist swooped in and messed everything up.

But he decided against it. "I'm kind of tired. I need to go home."

Phineas looked like he was going to protest but he nodded anyway. "Of course. Go on home, you've been working hard."

"Goodnight," was all Phillip could manage to say, putting his hat on and walking out of the office, leaving it cracked open like he found it.

He walked out of the circus and into the streets in a daze. There was little to no activity outside. A few carriages went by but everything seemed to be in slow motion. A few men were walking home with their wives, hand in hand and talking about their days.

Most were are the theater, he realized. He passed it every day on the walk to work and on the walk home.

He stood in front of the tall building, the scene replaying in his head. Yet, he felt nothing. He couldn't bring himself to be angry at his parents anymore. The theater was just a building. Just a place. It didn't matter.

But it mattered to her. It mattered to Anne.

Shaking his head, Phillip went on. He passed the bar on his way home, too. For a moment he began to regret taking up Phinn's offer, but he realized drinking wasn't going to do him any good. He was already numb of emotions.

By the time he made it home, he didn't last long. He fell on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. His original plan was to lay there a moment and take a shower but it didn't work out that way. He was already asleep.

* * *

_**Anger **_

The past couple of days were too busy for Phillip to even think about Anne. While the performers rehearsed, Phineas had Phillip locked up in his office, giving him all of the tools and tips necessary for running the circus.

Phillip didn't speak other than for an occasional question. He was beginning to feel worse and worse about this. He had a feeling in the back of his mind that something was going to happen while his boss was gone.

"Phillip, are you listening?"

Feeling a sudden surge of frustration, Phillip confirmed that he was.

"What did I just say then?"

"You said to always practice like you are performing," he grunted in a voice that made Phineas raise an eyebrow.

"Are you okay?"

"Im _fine_. Get on with it."

Phineas smiled. "Well that is actually it, thank goodness, right?"

Phillip rolled his eyes as Phineas shuffled some papers and put them in order.

"I wrote them down for you, incase you forget something."

Phillip stared at him. He thought he would forget what Phineas had pounded in his head for the past few days?

Swallowing his sudden anger, Phillip took the papers from him. "Much obliged."

The two were interrupted when there was a quiet tap at the glass door followed by a smile and wave of a familiar blonde woman.

Phillip's mood lifted slightly at the sight of Helen, who came running up to him as always, hugging his leg as if he were her personal jungle gym. Caroline came in more slowly, not acknowledging Phillip much but approaching Phineas with what looked like something was in her hand.

"We brought you a snack," said Caroline, handing it to Phineas.

"Oh yeah!" Helen chirped, yet she still kept her grip on Phillip. "We got you some jelly-filled donuts!"

"Well thank you very much, girls," Phineas smiled, opening up the box and offering Phillip one.

Though his mouth couldn't help but water, Phillip turned down the offer. He took the time to observe Charity, who was sitting in the corner of the room. She had her eyes fixed on something unknown, and he wondered what she was thinking.

Phillip bent down to where Helen was still hugging his leg and gave her a small smile. "Why don't you go eat some donuts with your sister and father?"

"No thanks Phillip, I'm good here."

"I would like to talk to your Mama for a moment, I'll-"

"About what?"

Charity looked up from her daze and gave Phillip a sideway glance.

"Just boring grown up stuff. You can hold my hat, okay?"

Helen looked hesitant but she nodded anyway, not before making him promise to come back. Phillip pinky promised her, taking off his hat and placing it on her head. He watched as Helen giggled and joined her father and sister.

"Charity, a word?"

"Of course," Charity said, giving the young man a forced looking smile.

Phineas gave them a look of confusion but Phillip ignored it as he guided her out of the office.

At first, Phillip realized he didn't know how to start. Charity watched him patiently as he hesitated to began.

Phillip shuffled his feet. "What do you think, you know, about all of this? About Phinn going on tour?"

Charity let out a heavy sigh. "I don't like it. I don't like it, but Phineas is stubborn. Once he sets his mind to something there is no changing it. He's been like that since we were children."

"I would agree," Phillip said. "How are the girls?"

"They're great," she smiled, glancing at them through the glass door. "They know that Phinn is leaving, but I don't think they understand…"

"Of course not. They're just children."

"It's not that…" Charity leaned closer and said in a lower voice, "I don't trust that woman."

"Jenny?"

"Not so loud," she scolded gently. "During the concert I saw Phineas just...staring at her. I can't figure it. I don't know if he was just in awe that she could sing or it was more than than that."

She paused. "He has everything he's ever wanted, yet it's not enough for him. I'm losing him, Phillip."

Tears began to fill her eyes and Phillip felt his heart breaking for her. What could he possibly say? In that moment, despite his sadness for Charity, he had never felt so much hate for a single man than he did right now.

"If there is anything I could do…" Phillip trailed off. _God, what can I say? _

"Im sorry, Phillip, I shouldn't have put that on you," Charity sniffed quickly, wiping the tears away.

"Its okay, I-"

"You have enough to worry about."

"Did you confront Phineas about this?"

"It isn't going to make things any better."

"But you've gotta try, Charity! You can't just sit and do nothing about it! That's what love is, isn't it? Communication."

Charity flinched at his sudden anger. "I am not going to confront him and neither are you."

"If you let him do this, you'll lose him."

"This isn't your concern." The usual patience in her voice was beginning to thin.

"You made it my concern when you told me about this!"

Behind him, he felt a familiar presence.

"Are we interrupting something?"

He could feel her breath on his neck, and he turned around to find Anne gazing at him. W.D was close behind her, giving Phillip the evil eye.

Great.

His eyebrows furrowed. "Yes you are. Get back to rehearsing."

W.D. stood in front of Anne protectively, stepping forward and approaching Phillip. "Excuse me, don't talk to her like that. Don't you _ever _talk to her like that."

Phillip found himself gulping as he looked up at the man who looked like he wanted to kill him at any time.

"I've had enough of you hurting my sister."

Why was he always the bad guy? _She's hurt me too, _he wanted to say.

"W.D, leave him alone," Anne said softly, putting her hand on his shoulder. "We should get back."

It took her brother a moment to relax, eventually agreeing. Whatever they had wanted it must have not been too important.

"Did something happen between you and Anne?" Charity asked quietly.

"Nothing happened! Stay out of my business, you clearly have enough to be worrying about anyway. Go spend time with your husband, I have other things to do."

Phillip turned quickly, refusing to face her, traveling downstairs and making sure everyone was doing what they were suppose to. Through the crowd of busy people, he spotted her right away.

Maybe it was her pink wig that made her stick out like a thumb or how the circus lights reflected on her skin, but whatever it was, Phillip couldn't help but take it in. Take in everything that she was.

"Hey, Carlyle!" Lettie gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "How did your date go with Anne? Lucky I reminded you or you would have been late."

Phillip shook his head, rolling his blue eyes and continuing on but Lettie followed.

"Were you late? Did Anne not come?" she asked, at this point sounding concerned.

Phillip stopped. Why was everyone in their business? First Phineas, then Charity, W.D., now Lettie.

"And why is any of this your business? Why is this anyone's business."

Lettie stood her ground. "I was just asking-"

"I don't have time to gossip and I don't have time for romance. I have a circus to run now."

"That doesn't mean you can't be with Anne."

"You don't get it!"

"What do I not get, Carlyle?"

"_She broke my heart!_" His voice seemed to shake the building. A few looked over at him before going back to their tasks, whispering words to one another. "Now I suggest you get back to work."

Lettie looked like she wanted to say something, but Phillip turned his back on her.

He made his way outside and sat down on the sidewalk, burying his face in his knees.

The familiar presence came back.

Anne.

"I heard what you said to Lettie. I broke your heart?"

Phillip felt his blood boil. He didn't make eye contact. "Why are you asking me this? You _know _what you did."

"Im sorry," she whispered.

Phillip's eyes flashed open. He was quick to stand up, meeting her sad eyes. "Don't say that to me! You're not sorry! You played me from the beginning."

"_I _played _you_? I can't believe you. Who is the one who held my hand in the theater just to let go because your parents were watching?"

"I'm not doing this with you," Phillip murmured, ready to walk away but she gripped his sleeve. "Lay off!"

Tears filled her eyes. "Phillip, please-"

"No! You can't come crawling back to me asking for forgiveness. Forget about it. I'm done with you."

Half in love and half angry, Phillip went inside, leaving Anne alone with her thoughts.

* * *

_**Bargaining**_

Phillip stood outside of the theater, his hands tucked into his pockets.

_Let it go_.

He couldn't bring himself to move, as if his feet were just glued to the ground.

_If only…_

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He could only turn his head to find Charity giving him a gentle smile.

"Are you alright?" She rubbed his shoulders in a motion that made him feel calm, and he didn't have to say anything to know that his outburst was long forgiven.

"Why are you so good to me?" he asked softly. "I don't deserve it."

"You deserve to be loved, Phillip. From what Phineas has told me, you never have been. Not even by your own parents."

"I thought someone did…" he stopped himself then restarted his sentence. "Last week, I was going to go to the theater with Anne. We ran into my parents. I introduced her to them, and the way they spoke to her just…" Phillip scoffed, lowing his head.

Charity touched his cheek. "It's okay, Phillip."

"It's not," he whispered. "They made her so uncomfortable that she ran out. I followed her back to the circus. I wasn't going to let her go."

If Phillip was being more aware of his surroundings, he would have realized that he must have looked like a fool just standing outside of the theater nearly about to cry.

But he didn't care about that. He stopped caring about a lot of things, like what his parents thought about Anne. The words couldn't help but sting him still thinking of how they could treat another person with such disrespect, but in the midst of his thinking, another thought occurred to him.

Between his realization and Charity encouraging them to continue walking, Phillip's feet could finally move.

"Your parents can't see the happiness you feel with Anne, and that is not your fault. I speak from experience. My father could never understand what I saw in Phineas. Much like you two, we were from different worlds. Look at us now-" Charity seemed to realize what she had said because she was quick to end her sentence.

"But it is my fault."

"No…"

"I was so preoccupied. Between Phineas going on tour and everything else, I had forgotten what I had been planning in the first place. Maybe if I were in time things would have turned out differently. If only I made it on time."

"Give yourself a break, you can't do everything at once."

Phillip knew deep down that Charity was right, yet he couldn't bring himself to take it in. How was he not expected to do everything at once when the weight of the circus rested on his shoulders?

* * *

_**Depression **_

Phillip couldn't sleep. Maybe it had to do with the pounding in his head or the anxiety he felt in his gut when he thought about their first show without Phineas in three short days, or the fact that every time he closed his eyes she was all he could see…

Then, for no particular reason, Phillip got out of his bed and got dressed. His feet took him downstairs. Despite the darkness he faced on the way down, he didn't use a candle. His ran a finger through his hair before reaching for his top hat.

Shutting the door behind him, he stood outside. The earth seemed to be still other than an occasional breeze in the trees. As Phillip stepped into the darkness, he became one with the night.

* * *

"I'll have another round."

Studying him up and down, the bartender sighed at the young man. "You're going to end up drinking the entire bar, boy."

Phillip didn't respond as the bartender set more alcohol that he requested. He was the only one here besides an old man with a beard sitting in the corner, looking how Phillip felt. Part of him wanted to talk to him, asking why he was here so late at night but he would rather wonder than ask the man himself. He supposed it wasn't a big deal when he had other things to worry about than an old man alone at a bar in the dead of night.

The better question Phillip kept asking himself was why _he _was here. He was doing so well; the last time he drank was when the group visited England, where the whole mess they were in seemed to start.

He supposed he was here to think about things, to cope, to get away, to escape. Call it what you will, but only he knew why he was here. He was here because it was the only way he could numb what he felt inside. It wasn't the best of methods, nor was it in the past but he did it anyway. As of right now there was no other way.

* * *

He thought it would numb the pain.

On the contrary, it made him feel worse. Phillip felt his gut twist and turn as he stumbled to walk home. His head began to feel hot and he knew that he wasn't going to make it on time to reach the bathroom.

With a feeling of dread, he let out the alcohol out of his body on the side of the street. He fell to his knees, throwing up again once he thought that he was done.

His breathing hitched irregularly, and he let the tears fall.

He cried for his past; how he was brought up in a dysfunctional home with judgemental and abusive parents.

He cried for the way he had been acting; randomly lashing out on others when they only felt concerned for him.

He cried for Charity; how she had to stand up without her husband and raise the girls alone with no help while Phineas was gone.

Most of all, he cried for Anne. It may have been silly to cry over someone he once thought was below him. It was a compelling situation that he never thought he would find himself in. Yet, it was happening. He pushed her away when he longed for her the most.

He backed up and leaned against the wall of a building, wiping his eyes even though he knew it was useless because more tears started to form as soon as he whipped them.

As if his tears were heard, he saw a blurry figure appear. Her tan skin reflected on the pure moonlight, and for a moment he wondered if he had died and gone to heaven. She leaned close to him, murmuring his name questionably.

Phillip was about to respond but he vomited again. Too drunk and teary-eyed to be embarrassed, Anne's confusion turned to empathy.

"You smell like alcohol…" she said quietly.

"I'm-I'm sorry." He was not sure if that was an appropriate response but he didn't take much time to think about it. Despite what Anne might have thought, he really was sorry. From letting go of her hand to lashing out on her.

Anne sighed. "Can you stand up?"

It wasn't the response he was hoping for but it was better than her just walking away once again, leaving him to fend for himself.

"I'm sorry. Im sorry…" He repeated the words over and over again as he stumbled to get up. Anne hadn't been this close to him since the night they were suppose to go on their date.

She said nothing, only supported him as they walked in the direction of their home.

* * *

It was an awkward and a very much messy trip upstairs for the both of them. Anne used all of her strength to keep a drunk and crying Phillip up. As if she were talking to a child who hurt himself, she encouraged him to keep moving (of course, not before she had to clean up his vomit he left of one of the steps of the stairs).

But the journey doesn't end there. Phillip was less hysterical, but still very much drunk. As Anne helped him onto the bed, he did not to let her go.

If Phillip weren't so out of it, he would never hold Anne against his will. However, this was not the case. She lay on top of him, locking his arms around her back tight.

"Let go of me!" she hissed. "You drunken fool!"

Luckily, the trapeze artist was strong enough to wiggle out of his grip and sat on the bed, crossing her arms.

"You're welcome, by the way. Idiot…"

After a long pause, Anne began to stand.

"No!" Phillip protested, sounding like a child once more when he didn't get what he wanted. He pulled her back down again. "No…"

Kicking and protesting, Anne once again slipped out of his grip and stood up only to have her sleeve be pulled by.

She dared to look back at him. His eyes were puffy, and the tears were beginning to fall again. "Stay with me…"

Now he looked like a little boy afraid of the dark. Yet, Anne tried standing her ground despite the lump that was beginning to grow in her throat.

"Stay." His hand traveled from her sleeve to her cheek. "Stay…please."

He could feel the heat on her cheek forming. She remained still. "I…"

"I love you."

"Don't," she whispered. "You can't do this to me."

His breaths shook. "I love you."

"We can't."

"Stay." His voice was barely audible at this point, yet he sat up and softly rested his head on her chest.. "I love you, and-and you love me too." He knew her heart was racing.

"No, Phillip. I dont...I can't-"

"You do," he insisted. "I-I know you do...that's why you need to stay with me."

To Phillip's surprise, the trapeze artist ultimately agreed. They laid closely together, foreheads resting on each others until sleep met them both.

* * *

Anne was not there when Phillip awoke the next morning. It took him a moment to realize what had happened, and some of it he didn't remember, but he remembered her. Her scent remained on the bed; on the pillows, and it reminded him that she was here. He inhaled it for a while, feeling the tears return.

There was no telling when she had left, but she did.

And he was beginning to wonder how much she could break his heart until he broke himself.

_**Acceptance**_

The first show without Phineas wasn't as bad as Phillip had feared. Of course, Phillip always worried about things he shouldn't have worried about. The performers did their job, like always, and he did his.

As Phillip stepped out into the circus lights to be recognized for final bows, he had realized he was being watched.

Once the performers got into their final positions, Phillip stood in front of them. Though he felt a little shy, he smiled before the audience of people. He could see the happy faces in the crowd, and it all still made him question why Phineas would want to give this up. Even for a moment. It was all so beautiful.

He turned his gaze to find Anne smiling.

_Is she smiling at me?_

No...it had to be the adrinilen.

Adrenaline or not, he reached for her hand as they had practice.

"Is this okay?" he asked softly.

She nodded, the smile starting to fade as Phillip turned his attention back to the audience.

By the end of the bows, he realized Anne was still tightly holding his hand. He rubbed his thumb around her knuckles. She had calluses on her hands from all of her training. Yet, out of all things he could feel, they were the best.

He noticed W.D. from the corner of his eye. He held his breath, expecting for him to say something, but he didn't. The male trapeze artist watched them with a tilt of his head. Phillip wasn't sure if that was a look of confusion or protectiveness or both, but it puzzled him.

_Let her go, _a voice hummed in his head. As much as he wanted to fight it, he knew he would need to let go sometime. But not now. He needed to just take in this moment while it lasted. When the time would come, he needed to let her go.

Even if it meant he had to let go forever.

* * *

**Wow. Welp, it was not my intention for this one-shot to be so long. I wasn't going to even have dialogue in the first place but once I started writing I couldn't stop! I always like to think there is always a behind the scenes to everything, and it's not always pretty. At least we know they get together in the end, right?**

**Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you think!**


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